The Newbie Priest

November 18th, 2013

drunk priestA new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn’t stand still. He asked his Bishop for some advice. The Bishop said, “When I’m nervous, I take a wee bit o’ whiskey. Just to calm my nerves.” So the next Sunday he took the Bishop’s advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $&*!  out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say “He was stoned off his ass.”

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”; he did not say, Eat me.”

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God”

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  1. Helen Cameron says:

    Hilarious.  Can’t share this with the Catholic high school students I work with, but the chaplain and I will have a huge laugh!  Thank you!