Give the ego a fish, and you feed it for a day. Give the ego a fishing rod, and it will happily fish for compliments for a lifetime. It’s like feeding a teenage boy. The need for validation is insatiable. It’s like Hannah says to her serial womanizing friend Tom in the movie Maid of Honor,

I feel sorry for you that you have to validate yourself through insatiable-meaningless-ego-sport-sex.

What’s your relationship with validation and praise? Do you seek it, sidestep or dismiss it?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began his drink, he heard a seductive voice say, “Hey handsome!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his drink.

A minute later, he heard the same voice say “You’ve got a great body!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his drink, the voice said again “You’re a stud!” The man was so baffled by the seductive voice that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”

Its nuts the way we fish for compliments and desperately seek approval. It’s also nuts the way we shy from compliments and hide from who we are. These extreme responses are two sides of the one coin, both of them cunning plans to avoid accepting yourself.

Last week I was at a Chile and Games night. We played the card game “Imaginiff”. Each person draws a card with a scenario on it, and the rest of the group votes. So the card might say, “If so and so was a car what would she be? A Ferrari, Cruiser, Rolls Royce or Jalopy?” Then the rest of the group votes. Or if so and so was a dog, what would he be?

It’s an interesting test of your ego; to compare how other people see you to the way you see yourself and notice how you react to this realization. So when the question came up, “if Ian was a movie genre, what would he be? Action, comedy, teen romance or foreign?” I was a little miffed that no one saw me the way I see myself, in the action mould of Jason Bourne. Almost everyone picked “foreign.” (read on for more about loving yourself)

Maybe my accent left me no hope, but foreign films? With their slow moving, subtle plotlines, annoying subtitles and sultry sex scenes…..well I guess it’s not so bad. But I would prefer action.

I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s easy to forget that no one else is present in my Ludlumesque fantasies. They don’t hand out an Academy Award for best fantasy, although most of us are brilliant actors; playing the part of whoever we are pretending to be to avoid being ourselves. Its nuts to live this way, building up a false view of ourselves, expecting other people to read our minds and then feeing hurt when they don’t.

Imaginiff we could find peace with who we are and stop looking outside of ourselves for validation. Imagine the acceptance speech we would give at the dais of our true essence.

Imaginiff if you could be completely at ease with who you are and let others be who they are, knowing that it’s all changing all the time anyway. Personal offense wouldn’t feel so devastating if we took this compassionate and open view.

Imaginiff you could measure yourself, or as my 9 year old says “size yourself” with a Mary Poppins magic tape measure. The mark on the tape measure says, “Practically perfect in every way.”

If you saw yourself this way, you wouldn’t need to fish for compliments nor throw the compliments back and drive yourself nuts trying to prove that you’re either lovable or unlovable depending on your ego’s plan at the time.

Taking about nuts, there is a Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown is sitting on a bench about 50 yards away from 2 girls. The thought bubble says, “I wonder if they’re talking about me.” In the next caption he says, “I know they’re talking about me.” Then in the third caption he throws his hands in the air, “Why does someone always have to ruin my day.”

This is what we tend to do, mind reading and assuming and thinking the worst. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can ruin your day without your permission.” But how do you counter this tendency to take things personally?

There is a phrase you often hear in relation to not taking things personally. It is “having thick skin.” I know what people mean by this, but I think it’s the exact opposite of what we need. Is it really possible to thicken your skin without shutting down your humanity? Thick skin is another way of saying that you’re putting up walls. I think it’s far healthier to let your open pores take in everything that you’re feeling and sensing WITHOUT letting it crush you. Take it all in, but don’t buy into all of it. Feel it but don’t let it mean absolute and unchanging things about who you are. It’s the meaning you ascribe to feelings and sense that drives you nuts.

Trying to develop a thick skin plays right into the hands of the smallest version of yourself. It sends a clear message to your mind that you need walls and protection because people can’t be trusted and you can’t be loved. It’s far more effective to kill the ego with kindness.

Accept ALL of it without judgment; all the thoughts, feelings and sensations, including the thought to take things personally. Love it, smile at it and give it nothing to latch on to.

The more grounded you are in self appreciation, the less time you will spend looking for validation from the outside. Once you completely accept yourself the way you are, you accept others as they are. Then you no longer seek approval from others for being yourself. Best of all, by being yourself, you subconsciously give others permission to do the same. It’s a beautiful cycle of acceptance. As Oscar Wilde said,

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.

I looked at him again. I looked at the boy who doesn’t like guns, never has. The boy who doesn’t like sports or video games, violent movies, racing or fighting. The boy who just doesn’t.
I looked at the boy who dreams of being a chef and spends every Saturday trying new recipes. The boy who worries about how someone is feeling, does push-ups with his dad each morning, and who is never without a book in hand just in case he gets a minute to read. The boy who gets a lump in his throat watching Earth-day movies with me each year, who loves his dog more than life itself.

I stare back at the stove and stir. I plot our escape from this small-town-thinking. Yes, tonight we will run-away to a place where he belongs without guns and judgment, without other boys telling him what he is and what he isn’t. To a place where their definitions wont define him. I will find him a safe place to be all he can be, to soar, to dream to fly higher than anyone else’s words.

But I can’t. And I know better. His 9ry old sister stands to the side watching my every move, waiting for my response. She in her muddy track pants with unbrushed hair, a week old frog tattoo peeling at the sides, and her dad’s huge crocks on her feet for the fun of it. My unsparkly girl who doesn’t understand why I ever want to put on lipstick, waits. My children stand there wondering where this conversation will go. These two individual, beautiful souls wait for my response. I stir.

I could tell him that he is unique, utterly wonderful as he is and truly amazing, but he’s heard it all before. That I would rather him over any other boy, but these boy’s and their opinions now matter more than his mother’s. I could tell him how those boys are small and he is tall, how they know nothing and he is so much better than that. I could pump him up and deflate them with just a few choice words. Yes, I had the power to get my revenge. Oh I wanted revenge on those boys and all their own insecurities.
But I didn’t.
“You know that there is only one thing that makes you a boy”
“What?” he and his sister asked.
“The only thing that makes you a boy, is your penis.” I said matter-of-factly, while stirring.

And then we all giggled. Because it’s hard to say penis without giggling.

Ouch! I got what I asked for, but strangely didn’t feel any better. Actually, that situation didn’t happen at all. In fact, on the contrary Meg has taught me so much over the years about acceptance. She has endured all the rises and falls of my weight and body shape with equanimity. She says nothing when I put weight on and nothing when I lose weight. I am afflicted with a disease of the ego, a condition that affects many people, whereby my self perception swings like a pendulum. My condition is so delusional that I can convince myself after a single workout that I’ve lost weight, and after missing a single workout that I’ve put weight on.

Because this delusion is so insatiable, I look everywhere to reinforce the belief. While I fish for compliments, Meg just waits for the pendulum to swing back again, hoping that I don’t knock her down with the weight of my needs.

She neither praises me for losing weight, nor criticizes me for gaining weight. This drives my ego crazy as you can imagine. But in my saner moments, I have undying appreciation for her acceptance. If only I could see myself with the same acceptance, my suffering would end.

I’m writing in this series about taking things personally. Life is full of opportunity to take things personally, at both ends of the pendulum. We do this when we make events, comments, praise, criticism, sideways glances, body language and countless gestures etc etc etc mean something about us.

Someone greets you a little less enthusiastically than you would like, and you imagine that it means that they are upset with you. Conversation shifts when you walk in a room, and you imagine that people are gossiping about you. You’re not invited to a gathering, and assume it’s because you aren’t wanted. Your friend forgets to call you, and you take it to mean that they don’t care. Someone is distant, you assume it’s because they are angry with you.

Or conversely, you ARE invited to the cool party, and you make it mean that you are a COOL person. Someone looks in your direction and you assume that it’s because you are so attractive. All eyes turn in your direction when you walk in the room, and you decide that it means you are VERY important.

Either way, the meaning you make from these events is full of assumptions, the desire for approval can never be fulfilled outside of yourself and the way you feel about yourself swings from one extreme to another with little basis and no resting place. The power of not taking things personally is that you force yourself to find inner acceptance, to take responsibility for the meaning you place on situations, and ultimately to find an inner resting place that keeps you centered while all around you, and much of what happens within you, such as emotions and thoughts, rises and falls. (read on for more about taking things personally)

What sort of things do you take personally? Conflict, difference of opinion, silence, different beliefs, humor, politics? This tendency seems to be at the root of so much unnecessary suffering. Why do we do it?

We seem to need drama to validate ourselves or maybe drama makes us feel more alive. Have you ever had a pain in your body, and found yourself flirting with it? You twist your body up into a pretzel shape to see if the pain is still there, almost chasing it, searching for it. We have some unconscious dependence on pain. Even other people’s drama is enticing. An Irishman once came upon two people brawling in the street and asked, “Is this a private fight or can anyone get involved?” We go out of our way to get involved in other peoples’ dramas.

Maybe we have a need to feel that life is all about us. You think that other people are going out of their way to cause you pain. Most of the time, people are so busy bending themselves into their own pretzel shaped drama, searching for their own pain, that it probably has very little to do with you. People don’t usually cause you pain, but they do remind you of your own pain, intentionally or not. They remind you of pain that may have decades of history behind it, and it’s too painful to really address, so you imagine that this most recent drama has caused the pain. You react out of your own pain and remind another person of their pain, and so the cycle continues.

We had a conversation with our 12 year old son recently. He was being teased by some boys because he doesn’t play football or like guns. It was really getting him down, and he was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with him. I shared with him that when I was his age I DID play football and was even quite good, but I still got teased for being too shy and not exactly fitting the mould of the way a football playing boy is supposed to act. Normal is an endless spectrum and conformity is a moving target. But conformity will always look for a target, and whoever dares to stand out could end up in its crosshairs.

Some kids are just plain mean. They are mean because they are desperately trying to win society’s dog eat dog battle for supremacy, with its inbuilt impossible standards, that are drummed into them from birth. They will find a way to put you down, in order to feel better about themselves, and they will keep doing it until they either destroy you or else heal themselves and feel truly comfortable in their own skin.

As adults, we have subtle (and not so subtle) ways of doing the same thing as we continue to search for peace with ourselves. Even if people are trying hard to make things feel personal, it’s not. It’s all about them. So you might as well be yourself, live a life that gives you joy and give others the space to find their own way. There is ALWAYS more to come, and the bully will one day come face to face with his own pain, and the bullied will one day see his light.

The battle is ultimately won in your own mind as you come head to head, literally, with your own beliefs. Once you win this battle, people can praise you or criticize you, build you up or put you down, belittle you or put you on a pedestal, and at your essence you stay centered because you know how fickle these opinions and games are.

The author Byron Katie put it like this-

You think they think there’s something wrong with you. You think that other people think there’s something wrong with you because you think it. So by gaining their approval, you’ve been trying to stop them from thinking what you’re thinking. The worst that can happen is that they are just like you! It’s their job to think what you’re already thinking, until you question it. When you question what you think, the truth will make you laugh. And when you laugh, they laugh too. Everybody does their job all the time. That’s why meeting your thought system is so much fun!

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

A boy who doesn’t know how to steal a look without being caught.
A boy who can only ever be himself, who hasn’t ever learned how to hide, only seek.
Together they chase the chance to be.
Once caught, they stare at the truth within the other.
And see themselves.

Show me a girl, barely 20, with wide open eyes.
A girl with dreams of what the whole world can be.
Dreams blown up in bubbles floating across maybe skies.
Fantasies of life, love and the stories that follow.
Everybody waving hellos and nice to meet you’s.

Show me a girl who begins the journey
to finding all the bits inside her she never knew she had.
The good shiny and new, the hard and ugly ones too.
Motherhood scratches away to find the lot.
The only idea she has, is in fact that she has no idea at all.
Who let her in without papers, a passport?

Show me a girl who fights with fists against the chest of change.
Who can’t let go of the dreams in bubbles and the sweet hellos.
Her life doesn’t float, or drift calmly down a river of hope.
She has read the wrong books, and seen the wrong paintings.
Where is her story? The one with every page filled with question after question.
Yes, there are plenty of books on shelves with somebody elses answers.

Show me the girl who knows. Just somehow knows, beyond the reach of reason
that the boy by her side will always stay-
she would sometimes wonder, why.
Her face red and blotchy from trying and trying to let go of the could’s
and what if’s and perhaps and shoulds, all mixed up and muddy.
She sits in the puddle. And he with her, making make-belief pies.

Show me a girl who is taught by yesterday’s voice and tomorrows chances.
By the pieces of you you’re willing to share, and what you are not.
Who stops still long enough to catch a glimpse of herself, her crazy self
pacing well trodden steps while patience and peace slide in unnoticed.
Her eyes stop squinting, searching and longing to see
while he plants two feet, one in knowing, the other in being.

Show me a girl who grows up while holding the hand of a boy.
Pulling and pushing their way though each lesson; when to hold on and when to let go,
in giving, taking, pleasing, asking, trying and creating.
So the girl with her questions and the boy with his thoughts encourage each other
to breathe and to be. And together they dare to look up to the sky,
and see not bubbles, but floating mud pies.

Show me the girl,
And I will show you
me.

The next day the nervous man trails behind his wife to the doctor’s office. They talk for a while and the doctor gives him a full examination.  The doctor then takes the wife aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he says. “Your husband doesn’t excite me either.”

Are you looking for more excitement in your love life, without blame and judgment? Sex is more than an act, even an act that is enjoyable and exciting. Sex is a journey into the heart of mystery. Sex with a loving partner is beautiful; both sex that is soft and soulful, and sex that is hot and heavy. Your body, all of it, is a doorway to sensual spirituality. Sex gets you beyond your habitual mind and your small self and gives you an experience of ecstasy, a reminder that you are part of something that is greater than you and yet it’s still deeply present in you and experienced through your bodily humanity.

Before you seduce your partner, seduce yourself. Flirt with the part of you that is still inhibited. Get naked with your own desires and fears so that you know what makes you tick and what ticks you off. Then share it with your partner. Get intimate with the full significance and total experience of sexuality. In the words of Marianne Williamson, “make love an art, and make love like artists.” (read on for more about spirituality and sexuality)

Sensuality connects you with the evolution of life itself; fireflies pulse, houseflies flap, moths musk, fish dance, frogs croon, birds plume, mammals strut and preen. We people aren’t much different. We whisper sweet, sensual nothings, raise inviting eyebrows, smile suggestive smiles, bat mysterious eyelids, and flirt with playful flair. Flirting is an evolutionary instinct. It’s one of the ways you hint at the possibility of new life. In other words, sexuality is a reminder that you are part of everything and its all pointing beyond itself to the miracle of evolving life.

The world needs more sex. We all need more sex. But not just any sex. We don’t need more performance based sex. Sexuality that says you must be firmer, longer, larger, longer lasting, and more body perfect, might sell products but it doesn’t lead to a more fulfilling sex life. The media’s surreal parade of perfect bodies and skin-deep liaisons often encourages sexuality that is guilt ridden and competitive. We don’t need competition. We need sexuality that embodies the deepest human longing for connection; with self, with others and with all that is.

Let’s face it. For most of us, there is an element of ego that creeps into sex- the need to perform, the craving to be affirmed, and the impossible fantasies. When ego takes over, sex can become counter-productive, a spiral of self-limiting thoughts and scarcity. Remind yourself that sex is not the search for something that is missing. Sex is the expression of something that has already been found and is now being lived! It’s not so much that you’ve fallen in love. It’s more that love has found you, taken you by the scruff of the heart and left you giddy with the miracle of being alive. Taking ego out of sex is not about taking yourself out of sex. If you see yourself with acceptance and truly understand your connection to your lover, you will fall in love and never stop falling. You will put yourself into sex more fully, but the self you put in will be the largest version of you, a self more spacious with a capacity larger and longer lasting than any pill could offer.

Rid yourself of the shadow side of sexuality; repressed, needy, detached or abusive sexuality that only leads to suffering. Rid your mind of any negative thoughts about your body, and sexuality and the need to prove anything.

The Baal Shem Tov, a great Jewish master, once said,

When you get these bad thoughts, what’s bad about them is the garments that they’re in. If you take off the bad garments, you see the holy sparks behind them. And these are the ones that glitter in God’s crown.

Try it out this Valentine’s Day or any other time. In sexual encounters, before taking off your clothes, try stripping away the garments of negative thoughts; unrealistic expectations and guilt, self-limiting beliefs and competitive thoughts. Seek sexuality that is more than skin deep, whether alone or with your partner. Embrace your body beyond the surface. Hold each other in divine embrace and all separation will melt away. Your sexuality connects you with lovers in all times and places. Your sexuality connects you with the source of love itself.

David Deida is an American author who writes and leads seminars about sexuality and spirituality. This quote from Deida raises the bar on the essence of sex. 

A good orgasm is satisfying, but a great orgasm can be a revelation of your deepest being, unfolding the truth of who you are in ecstatic communion with your lover.

Watch your convictions. They shape your thoughts.

Watch your thoughts: They shape your words.

Watch your words: They shape your actions.

Watch your actions: They shape your habits.

Watch your habits: They shape your character.

Watch your character: It shapes your destiny.

I added the first line to this famous old poem because I want to explore the connection between convictions and communication. The first piece in the series looks at the power of convictions. The next question is- how do you communicate it in a way that is true to who you are, AND keeps conversations alive?

Some beliefs, convictions or worldviews tend to close down conversation rather than opening it up. Seeing as Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday, a little football story might be in order-

Three players, Eli Manning, Tim Tebow, and Tom Brady, stand before the throne of God. They are all vying for the MVS, most valuable saint award which will decide who sits next to God.

God asks Eli Manning first: “What do you believe?” Eli thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in God, family and country, I believe in hard work, and I like to give back where I can.”

God likes his answer, and offers Eli a seat to the left.

Then God turns to Tim Tebow and says, “What do you believe?”

Tim says, “I believe in Jesus as my Lord and savior. Jesus is the reason I play football. I play for Jesus. I win for Jesus. I live for Jesus.” Then he kneels with his fist on his forehead, the trademark Tebow mark of respect.

God is moved by his sincerity. God tebows back and offers him a seat to the right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: “And you, Tom, what do you believe?”

Tom fixes his hair and replies, “God, I believe you’re in my seat.”

God must really like sports, based on the number of times God’s name is mentioned. But which team is God supporting? God seems to keep a foot in each camp, depending on who wins. Just once, I would like to hear a losing player give a post match speech and blame God. “So, can you tell us what went wrong out there?”

“Well, actually, I blame God for this one. Every time I threw the ball, God kept pushing my guys out of the way. God was making them fumble all over the field. It was God’s fault. And Jesus too. I blame God and Jesus; the pair of them.”

I don’t expect to hear that any time soon. It’s an interesting worldview. When things go well, it’s all credit to God. When things don’t go well, God is off the hook. And it’s not just sports. Whether it’s after a Super bowl triumph, an American Idol performance, the end of a President’s speech or while receiving an Academy Award, it’s not surprising to hear God mentioned in some form. (read on for more about convictions and communication)

It seems harmless enough from one perspective. We all know vaguely what people mean, and I suspect people are trying to be humble, which is an admirable quality. But God is also used to justify more significant things, such as divisive political opinions, personal prejudices and even violence and hatred towards “the enemy”.  As Anne Lamott said, “You know you’ve created God in your image when it turns out God hates all the same people you do.”

Have you ever had people try and manipulate you with phrases like “God told me…..God wants this…..God expects that.” As the prominent atheist Sam Harris said, “Faith is a conversation stopper.” He may have borrowed the phrase from American philosopher Richard Rorty who wrote a paper called “Religion As a Conversation Stopper.”

“God said it. I believe it. That settles it” is the classic conversation stopper. As a communication technique, it’s akin to a parent saying “Because I said so.” Unfortunately we hear this style of communication on both sides of the liberal/ conservative divide. Conservatives use this line of reasoning to argue that things such as abortion and same sex marriage are against God’s will. Some leaders even go so far as to justify war, or genocide, on the basis that God told them to do it. It’s a conversation stopper, not because it’s convincing, but rather because it removes human responsibility from the equation. This is like the game changing order that came down the pipeline from corporate, only corporate took their orders from an unnamed and silent authority above and there is no paper trail other than questionable religious texts. “Just do what you are told” is the basic message.

Religious liberals have their own counter conversation stoppers. President Obama did it this past week. In a speech, Obama claimed that Jesus would support his desire to raise taxes on the rich. He quoted from the Bible, “from those to whom much has been given, much will be demanded.” It’s a bit of a stretch to apply this ancient text to modern day economic policy but as a general principle I can see the connection. Don’t get me wrong. I support the ending of the Bush tax cuts. And if I had to guess at what Jesus would think if he was around today, my hunch is that he would support the end of tax cuts for the wealthy too. But that’s just a guess, and as a communication devise it’s another conversation stopper. How do you have a rational conversation about what Jesus would or wouldn’t do or think? Is it really fair to claim to have the son of God in your corner?

I don’t think it is. I think it’s the other side of a coin that should be taken out of circulation. Decisions and opinions should be formed with all the best tools available to us, our minds and our democratic processes. The point is that you don’t NEED to back your opinion up with divine evidence. Be boldly yourself, and hold opinions that sit well with your own common sense. Be authentic to who you are, and be prepared to take a stand for what you value because it’s important to you.

There is an old story about four Rabbis who had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in agreement against the fourth.

One day, the odd Rabbi out, decides to appeal to a higher authority. “Oh, G-d!” he cries. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”

Keep in mind that it’s a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finishes his prayer, a storm cloud moves across the sky above the four. It rumbles once and dissolves. “A sign from G-d! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three disagree, pointing out that it’s possible for storm clouds to form on hot days.

So the Rabbi prays again: “Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, give them a bigger sign!”

This time four storm clouds suddenly roll in and sit right above them, and a bolt of lightning slams into a tree on a nearby hill.

“I told you I was right!” cries the Rabbi, but his friends insist that nothing has happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a “very big” sign, but just as he says “Oh G-d…” the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”

The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, “Well?”

 ”So,” shrugs one of the other Rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2!”

That sounds like what you might hear in many church, and political, meetings. It’s a manipulative form of communication. It’s far healthier to have the conviction of your own opinions without any need to add divine reinforcements to your argument.

By the way, in case I need to say it, feel free to disagree with me. Just don’t tell me you disagree because of something you think God said and don’t gang up on me by putting God in your corner. That should be added to Robert’s Rules of healthy dialogue; God has no vote at the table and no voice in the conversation. If you really feel convicted about something, you don’t need to add any divine authority to your opinion.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating the end of faith in the way that Sam Harris does. I’m advocating the end of faith as a conversation stopper. If your faith is part of your convictions, then believe it boldly and don’t be afraid to express it. Just express it in a way that is true for you, without belittling or manipulating others and without closing down conversation. If it makes sense to you, God may even be another name for convictions; the still, small voice within that guides your life, motivates your actions, carves your character and shapes your destiny.

Bob Dylan wrote a song about using God to justify war. Seems fitting to end with some lyrics-

Oh the First World War, boys

It closed out its fate

The reason for fighting

I never got straight

But I learned to accept it

Accept it with pride

For you don’t count the dead

When God’s on your side.

When the Second World War

Came to an end

We forgave the Germans

And we were friends

Though they murdered six million

In the ovens they fried

The Germans now too

Have God on their side.

But now we got weapons

Of the chemical dust

If fire them we’re forced to

Then fire them we must

One push of the button

And a shot the world wide

And you never ask questions

When God’s on your side.

In a many dark hour

I’ve been thinkin’ about this

That Jesus Christ

Was betrayed by a kiss

But I can’t think for you

You’ll have to decide

Whether Judas Iscariot

Had God on his side.

So now as I’m leavin’

I’m weary as Hell

The confusion I’m feelin’

Ain’t no tongue can tell

The words fill my head

And fall to the floor

If God’s on our side

He’ll stop the next war.

“So what do you do?” One mother asks another mother at a party.
”Oh I’m a lawyer/sales rep/teacher/yoga instructor, and what do you do?”
“Oh I’m a stay at home mother.”  (Also known as “CEO of the family business”)

Silence, then guilt. 
”Well nice meeting you.”  Quickly, they both look around for a non-mother type, the one without the guilt dripping off her and leaving a messy trail for others to slip in.

From the moment of conception, mother and guilt become fast friends. You will not find one without the other. While pregnant we will drink in the bitter taste of guilt in a cup of caffeine and spit it out as we send our toddler to their room, and take away the car keys from our teenager. We invite guilt over after every decision we make to help us second guess our way through the next one. We all have guilt’s number on speed dial.

But I say enough! Whether we choose to shop at the local farmers market or Wal-Mart, whether we clean our own homes or get help, if we choose full fat triple swirl fudge ice-cream over organic sorbet, and certainly whether we work within or outside the home: enough!

I have this sneaking suspicion that mothers are our own worst enemies. Not only do we flounder away in our own muddy guilt, but also we prefer to drag a few others in with us (just threw that image of mud-wrestling for my male readers). We cake it all over ourselves, then sling a little more “her” way.

But today I ask all mothers (from whichever side of the wall we ourselves have built) to be kind, be gentle, be forgiving, to let it go, and for the sake of our families -go have a shower; that guilt really stinks!

He no doubt tapped into a feeling shared by millions of people inside and outside of churches who are disillusioned with institutional religion. Personally, I think it’s healthy that people are claiming their personal power and freely questioning any institution that appears to be rigged at the top and rigid at its core.

The musician Sting expresses what many people feel about this issue-

I don’t have a problem with God. I have a problem with religion. I’ve chosen to live my life without the certainties of religious faith. I think they’re dangerous.

I resonate with the video in many ways, even though I don’t share Bethke’s belief that we are all sinners and need Jesus to save us. And apparently he attends a church whose pastor thinks that yoga is demonic, which is bizarre in this day and age. In terms of beliefs, we probably have little in common. What moves me is his conviction, passion and sincerity. Conviction is powerful and lessens limitations. I remember an acting teacher saying that if you forget your lines, mumble with conviction. This seems to hold in life. If you’re not sure what to do next, do something with conviction and see where it leads you. I don’t need to agree with everything people say, or like everything about their style. But conviction is contagious, and covers over all sorts of disagreements.

Not everyone likes Bethke’s video. An offshoot video called “Why I Dislike Your Poem, But Love God” has been viewed over 500,000 times. This is not surprising. Unfortunately, after people started criticizing him, Bethke changed his mind, saying that he was wrong to base his views on experience rather than scripture. It was a pity he folded so easily. I thought he was on to something, at least a partial truth. Not all religion is bankrupt, but the fact that so many people are now forging their own spiritual path with or without religion says something about the institution and about the independent spirit of our age. Bethke was bold in his video, but he lacked the courage to follow through. He wilted under pressure, lapsing into Groucho Marx style pragmatism, “Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.” (Read on for more about living with conviction)

In this series I’m writing about worldviews; knowing what your worldview is, why it’s important, letting it expand your life, and living it with passion. The second piece looks at the convictions and communication, how to hold your convictions AND communicate in open ways.

 Have the courage of your convictions. Stand up, speak up and be bold. You won’t always feel the way you do today, but that’s okay. Believe what you believe now, and believe it boldly. When the time comes to change your mind, do it humbly, but not because other people criticize you. Change because it’s right for you to change. Then live your new views with just as much conviction.

One of my favorite quotes about courage comes from my mentor Bishop Spong. He has given me a lot of great advice over the years but one statement has stayed with me. He said, “When you’ve done a bold thing, don’t tremble at your own audacity.” An initial authentic step is bold. It takes courage to follow through and not become frightened by the shadow of your own boldness.

What does this look like for you? How are you stepping out in bold ways, and then following through with courage? If you put your own vision for life on trial, would there be enough evidence of courage to convict you, to empower you, to keep you on the path of change and growth.

For me this path has taken me away from my hometown, out of the mainstream church with its doubled edged security and into independent spirituality. There have been detractors, doubters and doomsdayers at every step, but an intangible inner power has kept me moving forward. Conviction is part of this power. I have come to realize the truth of Victor Hugo’s words,

No army can withstand the strength of an idea whose time has come.

Here is a 10 point conviction checklist. I have learnt the importance of these principles the hard way. Remember that you are judge and jury in your own trial. No one else can convict you or make you guilty. It’s all about your own motivation.

1. Are you being yourself? It’s not your responsibility to please others, and you can’t possibly please everybody. (the authenticity test) Read more here about authenticity.
2. Is your determination stronger than any doubt? (the commitment test) Read more here about perseverance.
3. Would you persevere even if it took your whole life to get where you want to be? (the stickability test)
4. Would you work just as hard if your name wasn’t associated with the idea? (the ego test) Read more here about ego.
5. Are you open to feedback without being ruled by feedback? (the personal responsibility test) Read more here about personal responsibility.
6. Will you find a way no matter what obstacles you have to overcome? (the optimism test) Read more here about optimism.
7. Are you driven more by your own sense of satisfaction than other’s praise? (the intrinsic motivation test)
8. Are you prepared to take risks to keep your dream alive? (the surrender test) Read more here about surrender.
9. Are you prepared to sacrifice popularity/fame and fortune to stay true to your dreams? (the priority test)
10. How creative will you be to find the necessary resources, support and partnerships? (the resourcefulness test)

Speak your truth, no matter what needs to be said. Follow your path, no matter how it twists and turns. Let your heart lead you through any ache and burn. There is nothing more frustrating than a voice trapped in your throat or a dream trapped in your mind, like a bird stuck inside the house. On the other side of boldness, there is nothing more liberating and magically powerful than a voice or a dream finding its freedom like a bird finally finding its release through an open window. This is the reward that awaits your conviction. Your voice, your life, and your vision carry conviction, clarity and commitment. Let them free to do their work.

I end with the inspiring words from Kenny Loggins song, Conviction of the Heart.

Where are the dreams that we once had?
This is the time to bring them back.
What were the promises caught on the tips of our tongues?
Do we forget or forgive?
There’s a whole other life waiting to be lived when…
One day we’re brave enough
To talk with Conviction of the Heart.
And down your streets I’ve walked alone,
As if my feet were not my own
Such is the path I chose, doors I have opened and closed
I’m tired of living this life,
Fooling myself, believing we’re right, when…
I’ve never given love
With any Conviction of the Heart
One with the earth, with the sky
One with everything in life
I believe we’ll survive
If we only try…
How long must we all wait to change
This world bound in chains that we live in
To know what it is to forgive,
And be forgiven?
It’s been too many years of taking now.
Isn’t it time to stop somehow?
Air that’s too angry to breathe, water our children can’t drink
You’ve heard it hundreds of times
You say your aware, believe, and you care, but…
Do you care enough
Where’s your conviction of the Heart?

One with the earth, with the sky, one with everything in life.
I believe it will start with conviction of the heart.
With the earth, with the sky, one with everything in life.
I believe it will start with conviction of the heart.
One earth, one sky, only one world, only one chance for one life.
When will we live?
One child,one dream, only one life.
You’ve but one chance for one life.
When will we live?
Only one earth, and only one sky, and only one world.
We’ve only got one chance to live in one life.
I believe, it’s only gonna start when we begin with some conviction of the heart.