Ian Lawton’s Spiritual Teachings

Give the ego a fish, and you feed it for a day. Give the ego a fishing rod, and it will happily fish for compliments for a lifetime. It’s like feeding a teenage boy. The need for validation is insatiable. It’s like Hannah says to her serial womanizing friend Tom in the movie Maid of Honor,

I feel sorry for you that you have to validate yourself through insatiable-meaningless-ego-sport-sex.

What’s your relationship with validation and praise? Do you seek it, sidestep or dismiss it?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began his drink, he heard a seductive voice say, “Hey handsome!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his drink.

A minute later, he heard the same voice say “You’ve got a great body!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his drink, the voice said again “You’re a stud!” The man was so baffled by the seductive voice that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”

Its nuts the way we fish for compliments and desperately seek approval. It’s also nuts the way we shy from compliments and hide from who we are. These extreme responses are two sides of the one coin, both of them cunning plans to avoid accepting yourself.

Last week I was at a Chile and Games night. We played the card game “Imaginiff”. Each person draws a card with a scenario on it, and the rest of the group votes. So the card might say, “If so and so was a car what would she be? A Ferrari, Cruiser, Rolls Royce or Jalopy?” Then the rest of the group votes. Or if so and so was a dog, what would he be?

It’s an interesting test of your ego; to compare how other people see you to the way you see yourself and notice how you react to this realization. So when the question came up, “if Ian was a movie genre, what would he be? Action, comedy, teen romance or foreign?” I was a little miffed that no one saw me the way I see myself, in the action mould of Jason Bourne. Almost everyone picked “foreign.” (read on for more about loving yourself) Continue Reading »

While standing in front of the mirror the other day, I said to Meg “I’m feeling ugly and out of shape. I need a compliment.” She replied, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Ouch! I got what I asked for, but strangely didn’t feel any better. Actually, that situation didn’t happen at all. In fact, on the contrary Meg has taught me so much over the years about acceptance. She has endured all the rises and falls of my weight and body shape with equanimity. She says nothing when I put weight on and nothing when I lose weight. I am afflicted with a disease of the ego, a condition that affects many people, whereby my self perception swings like a pendulum. My condition is so delusional that I can convince myself after a single workout that I’ve lost weight, and after missing a single workout that I’ve put weight on.

Because this delusion is so insatiable, I look everywhere to reinforce the belief. While I fish for compliments, Meg just waits for the pendulum to swing back again, hoping that I don’t knock her down with the weight of my needs.

She neither praises me for losing weight, nor criticizes me for gaining weight. This drives my ego crazy as you can imagine. But in my saner moments, I have undying appreciation for her acceptance. If only I could see myself with the same acceptance, my suffering would end.

I’m writing in this series about taking things personally. Life is full of opportunity to take things personally, at both ends of the pendulum. We do this when we make events, comments, praise, criticism, sideways glances, body language and countless gestures etc etc etc mean something about us.

Someone greets you a little less enthusiastically than you would like, and you imagine that it means that they are upset with you. Conversation shifts when you walk in a room, and you imagine that people are gossiping about you. You’re not invited to a gathering, and assume it’s because you aren’t wanted. Your friend forgets to call you, and you take it to mean that they don’t care. Someone is distant, you assume it’s because they are angry with you.

Or conversely, you ARE invited to the cool party, and you make it mean that you are a COOL person. Someone looks in your direction and you assume that it’s because you are so attractive. All eyes turn in your direction when you walk in the room, and you decide that it means you are VERY important.

Either way, the meaning you make from these events is full of assumptions, the desire for approval can never be fulfilled outside of yourself and the way you feel about yourself swings from one extreme to another with little basis and no resting place. The power of not taking things personally is that you force yourself to find inner acceptance, to take responsibility for the meaning you place on situations, and ultimately to find an inner resting place that keeps you centered while all around you, and much of what happens within you, such as emotions and thoughts, rises and falls. (read on for more about taking things personally) Continue Reading »

“Doctor,” the embarrassed woman says, “I have a problem. My husband doesn’t excite me anymore. I’m worried there is something wrong with me.” “Mrs. Thomas, why don’t you both come in to see me and we will see what we can do.”

The next day the nervous man trails behind his wife to the doctor’s office. They talk for a while and the doctor gives him a full examination.  The doctor then takes the wife aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he says. “Your husband doesn’t excite me either.”

Are you looking for more excitement in your love life, without blame and judgment? Sex is more than an act, even an act that is enjoyable and exciting. Sex is a journey into the heart of mystery. Sex with a loving partner is beautiful; both sex that is soft and soulful, and sex that is hot and heavy. Your body, all of it, is a doorway to sensual spirituality. Sex gets you beyond your habitual mind and your small self and gives you an experience of ecstasy, a reminder that you are part of something that is greater than you and yet it’s still deeply present in you and experienced through your bodily humanity.

Before you seduce your partner, seduce yourself. Flirt with the part of you that is still inhibited. Get naked with your own desires and fears so that you know what makes you tick and what ticks you off. Then share it with your partner. Get intimate with the full significance and total experience of sexuality. In the words of Marianne Williamson, “make love an art, and make love like artists.” (read on for more about spirituality and sexuality) Continue Reading »

Watch your convictions. They shape your thoughts.

Watch your thoughts: They shape your words.

Watch your words: They shape your actions.

Watch your actions: They shape your habits.

Watch your habits: They shape your character.

Watch your character: It shapes your destiny.

I added the first line to this famous old poem because I want to explore the connection between convictions and communication. The first piece in the series looks at the power of convictions. The next question is- how do you communicate it in a way that is true to who you are, AND keeps conversations alive?

Some beliefs, convictions or worldviews tend to close down conversation rather than opening it up. Seeing as Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday, a little football story might be in order-

Three players, Eli Manning, Tim Tebow, and Tom Brady, stand before the throne of God. They are all vying for the MVS, most valuable saint award which will decide who sits next to God.

God asks Eli Manning first: “What do you believe?” Eli thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in God, family and country, I believe in hard work, and I like to give back where I can.”

God likes his answer, and offers Eli a seat to the left.

Then God turns to Tim Tebow and says, “What do you believe?”

Tim says, “I believe in Jesus as my Lord and savior. Jesus is the reason I play football. I play for Jesus. I win for Jesus. I live for Jesus.” Then he kneels with his fist on his forehead, the trademark Tebow mark of respect.

God is moved by his sincerity. God tebows back and offers him a seat to the right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: “And you, Tom, what do you believe?”

Tom fixes his hair and replies, “God, I believe you’re in my seat.”

God must really like sports, based on the number of times God’s name is mentioned. But which team is God supporting? God seems to keep a foot in each camp, depending on who wins. Just once, I would like to hear a losing player give a post match speech and blame God. “So, can you tell us what went wrong out there?”

“Well, actually, I blame God for this one. Every time I threw the ball, God kept pushing my guys out of the way. God was making them fumble all over the field. It was God’s fault. And Jesus too. I blame God and Jesus; the pair of them.”

I don’t expect to hear that any time soon. It’s an interesting worldview. When things go well, it’s all credit to God. When things don’t go well, God is off the hook. And it’s not just sports. Whether it’s after a Super bowl triumph, an American Idol performance, the end of a President’s speech or while receiving an Academy Award, it’s not surprising to hear God mentioned in some form. (read on for more about convictions and communication) Continue Reading »

Jefferson Bethke is a 22 year old guy from Seattle. He recently created a video that went viral. It was about Jesus hating religion. It was viewed over 18 million times on You Tube and shared on multiple Facebook walls and Twitter streams. His basic message is that Jesus was cool but religion is NOT cool. As he says, Jesus is the cure and religion is the infection. Religion makes you blind but Jesus makes you see. Jesus was interested in healing and love, but religion is phony and rigid. Jesus had integrity, but religion is full of hypocrisy. He said, “Jesus came to abolish religion. Religion puts you in bondage, but Jesus sets you free.”

He no doubt tapped into a feeling shared by millions of people inside and outside of churches who are disillusioned with institutional religion. Personally, I think it’s healthy that people are claiming their personal power and freely questioning any institution that appears to be rigged at the top and rigid at its core.

The musician Sting expresses what many people feel about this issue-

I don’t have a problem with God. I have a problem with religion. I’ve chosen to live my life without the certainties of religious faith. I think they’re dangerous.

I resonate with the video in many ways, even though I don’t share Bethke’s belief that we are all sinners and need Jesus to save us. And apparently he attends a church whose pastor thinks that yoga is demonic, which is bizarre in this day and age. In terms of beliefs, we probably have little in common. What moves me is his conviction, passion and sincerity. Conviction is powerful and lessens limitations. I remember an acting teacher saying that if you forget your lines, mumble with conviction. This seems to hold in life. If you’re not sure what to do next, do something with conviction and see where it leads you. I don’t need to agree with everything people say, or like everything about their style. But conviction is contagious, and covers over all sorts of disagreements.

Not everyone likes Bethke’s video. An offshoot video called “Why I Dislike Your Poem, But Love God” has been viewed over 500,000 times. This is not surprising. Unfortunately, after people started criticizing him, Bethke changed his mind, saying that he was wrong to base his views on experience rather than scripture. It was a pity he folded so easily. I thought he was on to something, at least a partial truth. Not all religion is bankrupt, but the fact that so many people are now forging their own spiritual path with or without religion says something about the institution and about the independent spirit of our age. Bethke was bold in his video, but he lacked the courage to follow through. He wilted under pressure, lapsing into Groucho Marx style pragmatism, “Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.” (Read on for more about living with conviction) Continue Reading »