Endings and Beginnings

September 19th, 2011

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. Seneca

Some people find their inspiration from the great religious texts. Others find it in classic literature. As for me, I find it in sitcoms. Seinfeld, The Office, Modern Family, King of Queens and the like. I’m just a simple man who appreciates light hearted wisdom in ordinary situations that I can relate to. The episode on my mind is one from King of Queens. Doug and his wife Carrie visit Doug’s parents. While they are watching some home movies of Doug playing with his childhood dog, Rocky, Carrie wonders how Rocky could have lived over 25 years. Carrie questions Doug’s mom and uncovers a web of lies designed to protect Doug from the reality that dogs die. She discovers that the current dog is actually Rocky IV. Every time their dogs die, they buy a similar looking dog and name it Rocky. Rocky 11, 111, and IV. Rocky III was even a girl dog.

Doug’s Mom explains to Carrie that, “We don’t talk about unpleasant or uncomfortable things.”
Carrie challenges her, “What do you do with the truth, then?”
Doug’s Mom replies, “We sweep it under the rug, where it belongs!”

After a lot of discussion, they all agree, Doug included, to keep pretending that there has only ever been one Rocky. They celebrate Rocky’s 28th birthday in blissful denial.

There’s a little bit of Doug and his Mom in all of us. We desperately want to believe that things will never end. We go to great lengths to protect our delusion- telling kids elaborate stories about why dad’s moving out, pretending to go to work each day because you can’t bring yourself to tell your family that you lost your job, digging yourself into deep debt because you can’t face the reality that you can no longer afford your old lifestyle. We strut around masquerading as immortal, untouchables, keeping ourselves busy and self important enough to avoid facing the truth that every day we are another day closer to death.

The American poet Adrienne Rich said,

We see daily that our lives are terrible and little, without continuity, buyable and salable at any moment, mere blips on a screen, that this is the way we live now. Memory marketed as nostalgia; terror reduced to mere suspense, to melodrama.

I don’t mean to put a downer on your day. On the contrary, this is empowering. It’s the realization of impermanence that frees you to truly live. Once you stop putting energy into pretending you will live forever, you can actually live fully NOW. The alternative, the delusion of permanence, is exhausting and painful. Every change becomes a new disappointment. The sooner we face the truth of change, the sooner we can stop pretending and actually live while we are alive.

The truth about change is two fold

1. Everything ends, and usually sooner than we want to believe.

2. Nothing really ends and most things turn up again in some other form, whether it’s Rocky II, III or IV, a memory, recycled hope or a new opportunity. Everything has always existed, and always will exist, in some form or other. Keanu Reeves said in The Day the Earth Stood Still, “nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed.”

The first truth is the basis for acceptance. The second is the basis for optimism. But they both need to be held together. The first truth without the second can easily lead to despair. The second truth without the first can easily lead you to take things for granted, the indifference of entitlement.

Think of a single, fallen flower as a reminder of these truths. It’s down but not out; resting, changing, and transforming. The same is true with your inner spirit. You may feel beaten and crushed, but you are just resting, gathering yourself for new adventures. When you are ready, rise up and resume your upward and outward growth towards the light of who you are destined to be. And stay alert to the signs of transformation around you. Nothing truly leaves. Everything flows from form to form.

I will write more this week on the theme of endings and beginnings; specifically on the challenge of being IN THE MIDDLE, in between an end and a new beginning, the danger of making assumptions about change and getting beneath time to find the ability to adapt and thrive in change. Stay tuned- as Winston Churchill said, “This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

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  1. mybedlinen says:

    This was so nicely stated!  Other generations always “swept things under the rug” because they thought it was best, but we all have realized that facing the truth about, even the most unpleasant things, is better for everyone.  The story about the dog is a reminder of the older generation.

  2. D Rotterman says:

    The Tibetan Buddhists say; “may we all come to understand the transitory nature of all phenomena.”   In other words, life is here today and gone tomorrow.   They also say; “There is no reality, it’s all an illusion.” It is only present awareness that is real.  Change is what to expect, and appreciate.  Quantum Theory holds that the world is full of infinite possibilities.  It is only our fearful egos that limit it.  It never works, but causes a lot of suffering.  Embrace change and infinite possibilities in the spirit of non-attachment, I say, that’s where the wonder, love, and ecstasy of life reside.

  3. [...] is part two in a series on beginnings and endings. Part one looked at accepting impermanence so that you can live fully. Part three will address the issue of [...]

  4. [...] So how do we deal with let downs in the healthiest way? This is part three on a series on endings. The first part looked at denial and impermanence. Part two looked at ending as fully and well as possible. Part [...]

  5. [...] to come up behind you again.” This is part four in a series on endings. The first part looked at impermanence. The second looked at ending well, especially in the case of divorce or relocation. The third [...]

  6. MCH says:

    I LOVE YOUR ARTICLES…..   THANKS FOR SHARING ALL YOUR THOUGHTS.  LOVE MO

  7. I really enjoy your articles and tweets!  Thanks for sharing such inspiration!
    Shannon  @AuthenticForYou 

  8. Monica Dart says:

    I am so happy I stumbled upon your website.  Your article has come at the right time in my life – thank you.

  9. ian says:

    Great to connect Monica- Hope to hear more from you

  10. Lyn Boyer says:

    This was beautifully written. Thank you. It is so easy to think life will remain has it always had, but you are correct in saying that it is only through change that we have an opportunity to grow. Thank you for a very thought-provoking article.

  11. This is a powerful and lovely post. My husband and I were just talking about how amazing the difference in our life from just 5 years ago… then we looked at each prior 5 year period… so hard to believe we are those same people and yet sitting here now it is even harder to believe in another 5 years we’ll be entirely different again!

  12. Yvonne says:

    I have worked with endings for a long time and realise now that when people have accepted the fact that their time on this earth may be coming to an end, such beautiful things can occur. True things, honest things, open things, authentic things all come together in a gorgeous dance of infinite possibilities.
    When people face their biggest fears and I asked how they remained so strong and resilient they said “Well my worst fear has been realised so there is nothing left to fear…powerful and true. 

  13. Ramesh says:

    Hi,I’ve been reading your all posting for a long time.So it won’t be out of place to say that I really get enthusiastic when I read your posting.Thank you for such inspiring guidance <

  14. ian says:

    thank you Ramesh

  15. Heulwen Renshaw says:

    Thanks for this, I’m adapting to change and moving on.  An inspirational article.

  16. Lori says:

    This was a very helpful article to come across at this time. My husband went to attorney last week to file for divorce. I go see an attorney latter today. I’m on disability and I’m feeling scared about my future. Doing my best to stay optimistic.

  17. ian says:

    Strength to you Lori. Sounds like a very rough time. Draw on all your inner strength and take it one step at a time.