“Doctor,” the embarrassed woman says, “I have a problem. My husband doesn’t excite me anymore. I’m worried there is something wrong with me.” “Mrs. Thomas, why don’t you both come in to see me and we will see what we can do.”
The next day the nervous man trails behind his wife to the doctor’s office. They talk for a while and the doctor gives him a full examination. The doctor then takes the wife aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he says. “Your husband doesn’t excite me either.”
Are you looking for more excitement in your love life, without blame and judgment? Sex is more than an act, even an act that is enjoyable and exciting. Sex is spiritual. Sex with a loving partner is beautiful; both sex that is soft and soulful, and sex that is hot and heavy. Your body, all of it, is a doorway to sensual spirituality. Sex gets you beyond your habitual mind and your small self and gives you an experience of ecstasy, a reminder that you are part of something that is greater than you and yet it’s still deeply present in you and experienced through your bodily humanity.
Before you seduce your partner, seduce yourself. Flirt with the part of you that is still inhibited. Get naked with your own desires and fears so that you know what makes you tick and what ticks you off. Then share it with your partner. Get intimate with the full significance and total experience of sexuality. In the words of Marianne Williamson, “make love an art, and make love like artists.”
Sensuality connects you with the evolution of life itself; fireflies pulse, houseflies flap, moths musk, fish dance, frogs croon, birds plume, mammals strut and preen. We people aren’t much different. We whisper sweet, sensual nothings, raise inviting eyebrows, smile suggestive smiles, bat mysterious eyelids, and flirt with playful flair. Flirting is an evolutionary instinct. It’s one of the ways you hint at the possibility of new life. In other words, sexuality is a reminder that you are part of everything and its all pointing beyond itself to the miracle of evolving life.
The world needs more sex. We all need more sex. But not just any sex. We don’t need more performance based sex. Sexuality that says you must be firmer, longer, larger, longer lasting, and more body perfect, might sell products but it doesn’t lead to a more fulfilling sex life. The media’s surreal parade of perfect bodies and skin-deep liaisons often encourages sexuality that is guilt ridden and competitive. We don’t need competition. We need sexuality that embodies the deepest human longing for connection; with self, with others and with all that is.
Let’s face it. For most of us, there is an element of ego that creeps into sex- the need to perform, the craving to be affirmed, and the impossible fantasies. When ego takes over, sex can become counter-productive, a spiral of self-limiting thoughts and scarcity. Remind yourself that sex is not the search for something that is missing. Sex is the expression of something that has already been found and is now being lived! It’s not so much that you’ve fallen in love. It’s more that love has found you, taken you by the scruff of the heart and left you giddy with the miracle of being alive. Taking ego out of sex is not about taking yourself out of sex. If you see yourself with acceptance and truly understand your connection to your lover, you will fall in love and never stop falling. You will put yourself into sex more fully, but the self you put in will be the largest version of you, a self more spacious with a capacity larger and longer lasting than any pill could offer.
Rid yourself of the shadow side of sexuality; repressed, needy, detached or abusive sexuality that only leads to suffering. Rid your mind of any negative thoughts about your body, and sexuality and the need to prove anything.
The Baal Shem Tov, a great Jewish master, once said,
When you get these bad thoughts, what’s bad about them is the garments that they’re in. If you take off the bad garments, you see the holy sparks behind them. And these are the ones that glitter in God’s crown.
Try it out. In sexual encounters, before taking off your clothes, try stripping away the garments of negative thoughts; unrealistic expectations and guilt, self-limiting beliefs and competitive thoughts. Seek sexuality that is more than skin deep, whether alone or with your partner. Embrace your body beyond the surface. Hold each other in divine embrace and all separation will melt away. Your sexuality connects you with lovers in all times and places. Your sexuality connects you with the source of love itself.
David Deida is an American author who writes and leads seminars about sexuality and spirituality. This quote from Deida raises the bar on the essence of sex.
A good orgasm is satisfying, but a great orgasm can be a revelation of your deepest being, unfolding the truth of who you are in ecstatic communion with your lover.