Zig Ziglar said, “Every obnoxious act is a cry for help.” Wow! What an amazing way to reframe being attacked. It’s not easy, mind you, in the heat of the moment. But imagine how different life would be if we lived with that sort of compassion.
About twenty five years ago, I was physically attacked in a case of mistaken identity. At the time I was working as a youth worker on the streets of inner Sydney. This enraged guy held me up against a wall with one fist around my neck and a knife pointed at my jugular. He demanded his money back. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about, but he wasn’t buying it.
Something amazing happened in that moment. Among the many emotions I had, the strongest was sadness. I thought to myself, “This guy must be in trouble to be acting like this.” I spontaneously relaxed my whole body. It went so limp that his hand fell off my neck like water. After a little more argy bargy, he finally gave up and said that the guy he planned to kill looked just like me. It was a happy ending, at least for me.
It struck me that this is a metaphor for not taking things personally. Anger is almost ALWAYS a case of mistaken identity. Everything that annoys or enrages us in other people is something we haven’t faced in ourselves. Getting involved in other peoples’ anger is like the Irishman who found two people brawling in the street and asked, “Is this a private fight or can anyone get involved?” Another person’s anger is NOT your fight.
It’s like the sign at the zoo, “Don’t feed the lions.” Don’t feed anger. It’s a misplaced primal scream. Feed the real hunger, which is a plea for understanding. It’s their cry for help. The question is how we answer the cry. It starts with compassion. I’m not talking about pity, or pop psychologizing someone in the heat of their rage. That will make it worse. I’m talking about genuinely feeling compassion for the other person, and hearing their pain.
You can’t take away someone else’s pain, but it’s amazing how much compassion helps. Next time you are attacked you have a choice. You can attack back and end up in a smack down of mistaken identity, or you can feel compassion.
A Course In Miracles says, “Every communication is either an extension of love or a call for love.”
Treat every interaction this way and there will be so much less suffering.
Every attack is a cry for help. Make your every word an extension of love.
Don Miguel Ruiz sums it up perfectly in The Four Agreements,
Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
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I have struggled for the past 18 months or so with being the object of my sister’s anger and hatred – or that is what it feels like, in the aftermath of our father’s death and as we try to sort out his affairs. It really helps to understand her words/actions as being about her stuff and not me, hard as that is sometimes. With distance and lack of contact, I can feel compassion and understanding for her – but when she is in my face it is very different and leaves me feeling psychically very threatened and vulnerable – which is no doubt about my stuff too. I cannot imagine any kind of relationship persisting between us once the legal/financial stuff is sorted once and for all – and that represents a huge loss of “family” and history – though one which at this precise moment I cannot help but look forward to. Wish I had come across this site at the beginning of these troubles!
How wise and what a goal to seek M
Holy Crap! Lives end every day somewhere from decisions made in anger. Did you have nightmares for a time? How hard was it to go back out the next day to do your street ministry? Did you ever see your attacker after that?
Don’t answer these ?’s if this story is in your coming book; I’ll read it there.
You are so right about whose problem it really is when someone erupts at you. Trouble is the small window of time one has in which to make the right response.
I love how Don Miguel Ruiz sums it up. I have gotten through so many things by understanding this. Sometimes people do horrible things to you and you wonder what you’ve done to deserve it. When you believe that its all about that person and nothing about yourself, its way easier to move on from it.
These are some great reminders, and a great example of how you, Ian, didn’t take an attack personally. You really walked your talk. It reminds me of the work of Marshall Rosenberg, who does work with non-violence communication – http://www.cnvc.org.
This, and the Four Agreements, should be required reading for being alive. Very well said.
This is so soulful and beautiful! I am tweeting it and posting it on pinterest. You have so spoken the TRUTH. And eloquently.
We have a song called Whatever that says exactly this. I teach it to kids, tweens, adults and they swear it saves them in those tricky moments where they are confronted with another person’s misplaced anger. I even have a lesson plan for teachers for it as I have learned this lesson is that important. btw It has been the trickiest lesson I have ever learn in my own life.
I taught my 3 1/2 year old son these principles when he was being bullied at childcare. Now at 5 years old I can see what a great decision I made. He applies it in many areas without my guidance and is a very happy boy who always treats others with compassion!
Wise words, and truth…♥
Synchronicity at its best! This morning during my morning meditations I picked up my copy of “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and read the same words you quoted about not taking things personally. I thought about using to them as a base for one of the sessions I will be doing at a national conference for church support staff. Now, I’m sure I’ll be using them! Thanks for the great post.
Bravo on another meaningful, clear entry on how best to respond to a major problem in today’s world. This is a lessons worth learning for all of us. Thank you.
Ian,What a fascinating story. Lots of wisdom to glean from it. Thanks for sharing it.-Valerie Brookswww.ValTheSpaGal.com
Loved this. Thank you.
Love this: “Another person’s anger is NOT your fight.” Powerful message, Thank you Ian.
[...] Zig Ziglar said, “Every obnoxious act is a cry for help.” Wow! What an amazing way to reframe being attacked. It’s not easy, mind you, in the heat of (Every communication is either an extension of love or a call for love. [...]
Beautiful message. Thank you Ian !!!
Such wisdom shared in this blog! Thank you so much for the reminder. How many times we forget and take things people say personally. It is only by seeing it from this perspective so well expressed in the Course of Miracles that we can step back and react differently, with compassion and understanding. Peace can come to this earth when more people will act this way. it takes all of us to make that shift.
Relationships are built upon common ground, but the only way to get there is through understanding. And the only way to get THERE is by listening, which you can’t do if you’re busy reacting to the other person’s anger. Compassion takes work and discipline, but it’s worth it.