He told me while I was in the kitchen. Stirring something, soup maybe, onions or boiling potatoes, doesn’t matter really, whatever it was, my stirring soon became furious.
“They told me I wasn’t really a boy today.” His 12yr old voice tried to remain detached.
“Really” I replied, trying to match his detachment, while searching his eyes for the hidden pain. Trying my hardest not to scream at those who planted it deep within him that day at school.
“Why would they say that?” I question further. My anger now bubbling, sizzling, boiling, burning, My stirring only making a mess. Of things.
“They said I wasn’t really a boy, because I don’t like guns.”
I looked at him again. I looked at the boy who doesn’t like guns, never has. The boy who doesn’t like sports or video games, violent movies, racing or fighting. The boy who just doesn’t.
I looked at the boy who dreams of being a chef and spends every Saturday trying new recipes. The boy who worries about how someone is feeling, does push-ups with his dad each morning, and who is never without a book in hand just in case he gets a minute to read. The boy who gets a lump in his throat watching Earth-day movies with me each year, who loves his dog more than life itself.
I stare back at the stove and stir. I plot our escape from this small-town-thinking. Yes, tonight we will run-away to a place where he belongs without guns and judgment, without other boys telling him what he is and what he isn’t. To a place where their definitions wont define him. I will find him a safe place to be all he can be, to soar, to dream to fly higher than anyone else’s words.
But I can’t. And I know better. His 9ry old sister stands to the side watching my every move, waiting for my response. She in her muddy track pants with unbrushed hair, a week old frog tattoo peeling at the sides, and her dad’s huge crocks on her feet for the fun of it. My unsparkly girl who doesn’t understand why I ever want to put on lipstick, waits. My children stand there wondering where this conversation will go. These two individual, beautiful souls wait for my response. I stir.
I could tell him that he is unique, utterly wonderful as he is and truly amazing, but he’s heard it all before. That I would rather him over any other boy, but these boy’s and their opinions now matter more than his mother’s. I could tell him how those boys are small and he is tall, how they know nothing and he is so much better than that. I could pump him up and deflate them with just a few choice words. Yes, I had the power to get my revenge. Oh I wanted revenge on those boys and all their own insecurities.
But I didn’t.
“You know that there is only one thing that makes you a boy”
“What?” he and his sister asked.
“The only thing that makes you a boy, is your penis.” I said matter-of-factly, while stirring.
And then we all giggled. Because it’s hard to say penis without giggling.
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My husband is a chef, is against war and guns, doesn’t watch sports…and I’m pretty sure he is a boy!
Meg…I love this piece! So absolutely perfect!
Elaine
Beautiful. This brought tears to my eyes.
We’re the “no gun” family….he can come cook with me any time
Well-written, thought-provoking post. Believe it or not, many men wrestle much of their lives with this “real” business. (Are they a “real man”?) There are many forces — parental, social, and cultural — that shape who we are and how we regard ourselves. Boys and men are taught to constantly compare themselves to one set of standards or another (whatever the prevailing paradigms are of whatever groups they happen to inhabit). Part of the human condition, I suppose, because women encounter the same.
We need a movement to free men up from the need to be “like” anything. To be free to discover and express self-chosen values and personality. To be able to enjoy guns or not enjoy guns, to be able to do anything they like without fear of judgment — to be free of expectations that are often only vaguely discernible, and can prove useless and/or frustrating in the long run.
I held my breath waiting to see what your response was going to be…and it was perfect. Thank you for sharing this.
I can’t think of a better response. Simple, and to the point and something he can’t argue with. And I’d love to be a fly on the wall when he mentions that to those other boys!
Oh, it’s so sad. I want to take my boy and girl away from the world too. Sigh. I want them to be able to figure out who they truly are as they are growing up. I am 44 and realizing I don’t know myself. I’m trying to peel away the layers of other people’s versions of me without ripping off the scabs that protect my true self. Keep loving and laughing.
Great piece. I love the emotion that you added to it! BTW, that’s why I home-school my 5 year old… so that she doesn’t have to deal with such cruelty… and I don’t have to stir up a mess. Lol.
Absolutely loved your response. Like Charlie said, it was perfect. So often humor saves the day.
I love this!!
Brilliant! What insight, knowing that you cannot take him out of the world to protect him. Somehow we need to give children a “world-proofing”, and the best way of doing it is by giving them the security that they are loved and accepted for their own uniqueness… and then comes those awkward years where our opinions do not matter so much as their peers’. If the grounding was good enough, they’ll stay on course, no need to do more than what the author did here. Bravo!
Dear Meg, I hear you so well on this one. I, too, have a son who has never liked guns, violence, fighting, even any disharmony. He is now 50 years old, still is the wonderful peace-loving person that he was since childhood. He is married to a similar person and they are rearing 3 peace-loving children,. What a blessing to our family.
Seems too many of us can relate to this. Childhood is a tough gig for so many.
I know theres a place for everyone, we parents that are raising
caring children sometimes pay the price with all the bulling when they
are different but as soon as they find their place, their friends that socializing
problem is over and the get to be concious adults… so i think is worth the trouble
to raise them that way ..
Oh, Meg. The only weapon we can give our kids to face the world is truth. You did that so beautifully. You’re a good mom.
Meg, Your wisdom, truthfulness, directness, subltety- all in lavish quantities- bring so much to all of us, your faithful fans. Namaste to you all
Touche Meg! Great piece!
Reminds me the album Free to Be You & Me that I had to beg my mom to let me have as a child in the 70′s (it was sponsored by the Ms. Foundation, which she disapproved of).
My experience with trying to raise children free of gender-stereotyping is that it does set them apart from many other kids. Fortunately, though I know mine had their share of harassment & of some resulting hurt feelings, esp. my son, they were wise enough to see the shallowness of their classmates perspective and confident enough to stand up for others who were ridiculed more.
LOVE the end : )
Thank you for all your encouragement. It sure does take a village
This is gorgeous! What a perfect answer =)
Nelleke, I wish this was the end of the story!
-And, I’m not too sure what the transgendered community would say about my answer…..gender is so complicated.
Thanks you engaged me in to it wondering as they wondered , where this conversation will go, waiting for your answer, perfect answer striaght to the point
I love your response. It was SO very perfect!!
LOL! I love this! Especially the end ♥
I loved your response. My daughter is going through her I hate my hair (curly, fine, very apt to get tangled), teased by her classmates for being the new girl, pushed by a boy, told by the other girls if she doesn’t dress or act like them she’s not their friend. It pains me daily to know that I send my child to school to learn, to adapt socially, and my beautiful yet very humble and naive girl is being pelted by cruel children. I too feel like ripping the kids and their parents a new ear, but I think that would defeat the purpose of growth. I think as parents we wish the best for our children (those of us who still have parenting skills and aren’t on autopilot) but I do think it takes a village to instill the sense of community where everyone can be different and still coexist.
namaste.
T
Meg,
I’m glad you appended the comment referencing trans-identifying persons.
I am of the opinion that you are what–or whom–you believe yourself to be. Period. This may be a tough concept for a child to wrap their head around, but whether one ‘fits’ the definition of a ‘boy’ based on biological or physiological criteria, I choose to believe that the performance of the ‘authentic’ self–congruence between how one feels on the inside and how one manifests that in their daily life–is far more powerful and relevant. You son’s behavior adds dimensions to what it is to be a boy. Penis or no penis, your son is being himself. I hope he can continue to embrace that, gender stereotypes be damned.
Thanks for your post.
Thank you for sharing this perspective DM,Coy, I too believe this and feel the penis line was actually a bit of a cop-out. I’m sure to revisit this conversation – next time i’ll borrow a few of your lines
t – I’m so sorry your daughter is experiencing such troubles. It’s a painful experience to be ostracized, for any reason, but especially for being yourself. She is lucky to have such a sensitive mum
This made me cry! Deeply moving – loved it thank-you. x
Tear-jerking stuff, beautifully expressed.Thank you for sharing.
It’s not what a man has, it’s what he keeps–in terms of honor and respect. Guns and violence do not make a man or solve any problems. In fact, real men understand the value of honor and respect without resorting to violence. Moreover, they understand and respect the responsibility of having a penis.
Thanks for sharing this great article Meg. I found it very engaging and got a real sense of what occurs for many of our children every day. Challenges from their peers. When I re-read it I put myself in your shoes and asked myself what I would have said to my 10 year old son… “well the doctors told me and mum you were a boy when we took you home from hospital!”
This is awesome! I too could hardly wait to get to the end to find out what you would say! I can’t even imagine the pressure on you in that moment. I wish there were lots more parents like you!
As I read I wondered what I would say in this situation. Parents so often want to “fix” their kids’ situations, but you didn’t do that. You gave him the gift of his maleness. That was terrific.
I love the ending, cause it’s so true. I let my boy wear pink when he wants to, and now I have a great response when someone says something about it!
Thank you once more!
Wonderful and perfect, for today’s minds thank you Meg.
Nicely done. Sounds like me – minus the cooking. It’s harder than ever being a teenager, but pretty sure he’ll be a real man.
This is so funny! I loved how you dealt with it! I’m sure it made your son feel much better, as well! Ha!
Perfect!
This was a hard one for me to read, each word, each sentence, flooded me with memories & anxiety of the pain/suffering of [my own] inner 10 year old; I also felt like I wanted to reach out & strike down – to protect your own.
There is magic & beauty when the unspoken is spoken; it creates the space & freedom for something greater to be present.
Thank you for your courage.
Meg, a simple, yet powerful truth.
I am a full-time dad raising 3 boys aged 21,18 and 16 . My wife works full-time .Money is scarce but we are both fully committed to the task. The early years were easy compared to this now. This is when you really earn your stripes as a parent. Cant afford to let your hands off the reins. Regular challenges as we sail through choppy waters .Its all so worthwhile as we watch them all transit from men to boys.
[...] the first, About a Boy, Meg Lawton talks with her son about the harsh words used against him at school. It is otherwise [...]
Thank you for this post. Your response was perfect and I am banking that one away in case I need it one day. We as parents need to help change the rigid definitions of masculinity so that our boys can grow up to be happy and fulfilled and to be the kinds of partners and dads that this world needs.
My son is exactly the same,except he wants to be a girl… and he has other disabilities…. I tell him he is perfect and that while he might be weird and alone now,that in college,weird people have the most friends!I love him as is….
My son used to like princesses. Kids (and adults) used to tell him that boys and men don’t like girly stuff. We’ve had many conversations like yours…minus the penis. LOL. Funny reply, though!
What an awesome response!
I just read this to my husband, and I almost made it through without crying. We raised two children- one boy and one girl- and we tried to remain gender neutral because of who we are. My husband has many effeminate qualities; he is nurturing, caring, and loves to cook and decorate and clean house. I am assertive and out going, and I love sports and, yes, guns. While they were growing up, our children often paid the consequences of our open-mindedness. I cannot tell you the number of times we discussed the meaning of the insults, “queer,” “fag,’” “gay,” “dyke,” lesbo.” But both my kids grew up to be great adults- assured of their innate worth aside from gender identity, and amazingly, aside from their parents’ gender identity. This is a great article.
Thanks Meg for the wonderful post,you reminded me of my late mother who was my best friend & that poem ‘TAUGHT ME PURPLE’ by Evelyn Tooley Hunt.
What a wonderful moment to share, hard for a parent not to act in their anger to protect and defend. Acting in love as a role model for her children instead.. I applaud your strength!