FREEZE – I wanted to scream. JUST STOP RIGHT THERE I was ready to yell. But didn’t. Instead, I breathed as much of it in as possible. A moment, an image, a gift. I stood in complete silence, fully present and totally grateful. A second or two later and it was gone. Poof- done.
She, wearing her newly purchased 2nd hand bright blue poncho from a thrift store with threads hanging down. She, with her unbrushed chlorinated hair matted by the hotel swimming pool. She, with her spaghetti-sauce stained green track pants. She, with the sun lighting her face and a shoelace undone. She, swinging my hand as we crossed that road. She, without self criticism or judgement, free from the worries about what others may think. She, so fully alive and happy to be with just me. She, open to what the day would hold and so trusting of the outcomes. She, believing all of life is wonderful. She, my beautiful daughter without a care in the world.
Reality and dream blurred for one perfect moment. I saw her with fresh eyes. With delighted, thankful and full-to-the-brim love eyes. Time stopped and waited for me a moment, letting me linger to breathe her into my heart.
“Here, take a minute” whispered Time, knowing a mother’s craving for life to slow. A mother’s need to notice and just let be. Traffic stopped and voices faded as stillness placed a peaceful hand on the world around me.
I Pushed desperation and fear to the side.
“Not now”, I scolded as they tried to interfere, teasing me to hold on as tight as I could. Pestering me to cling so she wouldn’t grow up. Knowing a mother’s fear as time flashes by.
No, instead I watched. Gently, quietly. The magical number 9. 9 years of believing, dancing, being. Right there, crossing a road in a poncho by my side. I looked as hard as I could without interrupting, commenting or showing too much attention. A moment frozen. And then, without warning we had crossed the road and she skipped off ahead. The moment gone, just like that. So I folded this perfect picture, and looked for someplace safe to keep it. I could not trust my mind to remember these details and bring forward the complete beauty and innocence in that moment. No I would surely forget this perfection with the busyness of life. So I give it to now to you dear reader, in hopes that you will remind me. Remind me of 9, and the truth it holds as she skips into the days ahead.
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LOVE**** this! Now that is enjoying the moment- FULLY. Even though it has passed, you #relished it, and wear the memory in all it’s beautiful details = )
Those poignant moments continue and thank goodness for the awareness to soak it in for a moment. I still long to hold my first born on my lap, cradle him, rocking and singing. He’s 15, 6’4″ and continually asserting his independence, as he should. However, in a quiet moment recently, I told him of my desire to carry him like I did when he was a baby. I told him I still feel that protective awe and tenderness I did when he was tiny. His reply, “Oh mummy, I wish you *could* hold me like a baby!” We settled for a couch snuggle. Breathe it in and enjoy!!
Touching ! Beautiful, calling up memories more than 50 years old.
Thank you for capturing something so fleeting and ethereal about mothering for the rest of us. Brava.
Thank you for a beautiful blog. I’ve emailed this to my friend.
This is from the perspective of a mother who REALLY loves her daughter- that soul love that so much of us didn’t get from our own mothers, but realizing the meaning only when we become mothers, ourselves. Beautiful.