Don’t Make Me Say It

December 10th, 2013

goodbye blogI’m ok at a few things.

I can cook a decent curry, make babies smile in boring grocery lines, and put up with endless Seinfeld repeats. I’m also generally good at knowing when to stop drinking, hunting down a bargain, and sleeping in.

But
I am not good at goodbyes. Whether at funerals or airports, I just can’t do it.
They hurt. And I don’t like hurting.
It’s an end. And I don’t like endings.
I want more. I want possibilities, chances, and just-maybe’s. I want the promise of a see-you-later.
I really do. I want to see you, later.

Oh I can fluff it up, focus on the good times. Celebrate and appreciate all I’ve learned and all I’ve become. Yes- cheers to the lessons, cheers to the journey, cheers to you and cheers to me. We can dress it up and dance with the goodbyes into the night- pretending you’ll call tomorrow to say what fun, let’s do it all again. But there is no tomorrow and there is no again. We all know goodbyes are just down-right badbyes. They have no rhythm, they’re clumsy, step on your toes, and hurt. They’re lousy dance partners who never call you back.

Denial will only take me so far. It walks me to my door and kisses me apologetically on the check knowing it can only ever buy me time. But time is up and denial creeps off into the darkness leaving me to face my goodbyes. And like a teenager after curfew I sneak in hoping not to make eye contact with the goodbyes waiting for me to arrive. I want to run right past them to my room, throw myself on my bed and sob into my pillow crying desperately how nobody really understands. I want to cry all night about life being unfair, about dreams cut short, and sore feet. I want to cry about songs not lasting, empty kisses, and growing up and moving on. I want to cry because it hurts.

I’m not good at this. I don’t know how to do it without breaking into small pieces, shattering before you and cutting us both on the sharp edges.

I’ll cook you a curry- just don’t make me say goodbye.

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  1. dsikanas says:

    Brilliant Meg!!  I totally get it and LOVE the gifted way you express it.I will only send a glance, a smile, maybe a wave your way.  I have no intention (or ability) of saying goodbye.

  2. Bernadette says:

    Think of goodbye as “God be with you” which is where it comes from. It’s really an affirmation! God IS with(in) you and with(in) me, and it’s all good. Best wishes!

  3. Sherrie says:

    I agree totally Meg!  So much so that the minute I heard you guys were leaving, I stopped coming to C3.  I just felt like if I didn’t go back, I wouldn’t have to say goodbye.  I know this is a little immature and all, but when it comes to emotions and saying goodbye, I’m OK with my immaturity.  It protects me when I need it.   So please don’t think my absence means I didn’t care.  What you and Ian brought to my life meant the world to me.  So I thank you both from the bottom of my heart, I miss you and you haven’t even left, but I can’t say goodbye! I can say I wish you well and hope that this move brings you the joy and contentment and fulfillment that you both deserve.  Safe travels!

  4. Rita Laurie says:

    Meg, just remember that just as you are leaving the shores of one Country with friends waving goodbye and YOU feeling sad, there are people on the shores of Australia waiting anxiously to welcome you home and shower you with love.    AND have one of your curries!!!      Can’t wait to see you again     With love   Rita x

  5. pkbjjj says:

    Beautiful and heartbreaking.  I can’t really feel like it’s goodbye…I like your word “badbye”… I will miss your beautiful smile, your delightful family, and your talented husband immensely.  I agree with Sherrie…..I am sincerely wishing you well (and I know there will be LOTS of good things for you all) and all the GOOD things you each deserve for the rest of your days…..  

  6. paul reitemeier says:

    Brilliant !

  7. Elaine says:

    Beautifully expressed, Meg.  Murray and I offer our very best wishes to you and Ian and the family as you begin this next part of your journey.  Farewell.

  8. Robin Spring says:

    I will miss you all, neighbors and soul friends.  As Deepok would say, go within to the place potential and  live with effortless ease.  Embrace it all, and know you are deeply held and loved.

  9. Tennet says:

    Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing. 

  10. Virginia Urbach says:

    Meg and Ian,I recently saw a post that  expressed so simply how I feel about saying “badbyes” to you and Ian. It says: “goodbyes always makes my throat hurt.”  This is why I won’t say goodbye but say “see you later”.  We will still see you on facebook and on twitter to inspire, bless, and humor us. And so I say to you, good luck in whatever endeavors you pursue,  continue to share your heartfelt words to the world.  We have been inspired and enlightened! I love you both and see you later!

  11. Debra Burton says:

    i hate good byes. i had to say good bye to my fiance, a man i had loved for 34 years. our time came and went and we never got out chance t see where our love could have really gone.  he changed. he quit saying i love you always and forever. he quit calling me his deb. he quit saying we were meant to be. what he would not quit no matter how much i asked and cried was his ex girlfriend.

  12. LIsa H says:

    Oh Meg,That was so beautifully written.  I feel exactly the same.  I am honored to know you and call you my friend.  Goodbyes are BADbyes…  but I will remember all the AMAZING Hello’s we had and try to savor those moments.  HUGS.

  13. connie f says:

    May every day have time to give Millie a pat and feel her softness and friendship and her gratefulness . Look for that eye contact and see nothing but the love of what might have been a stray dog if it weren’t for your love. Ask her if she thinks you are special, just the way you are!don’t think of the goodbyes, but just remember how many times you said Hello.with love Lawtons, connie

  14. sue michener says:

    The Lawton family will always be here–in our hearts and minds!

  15. Vikash says:

    Awsome!!

  16. Judy says:

    That’s the way some of us at St Matthew-in-the-City felt, but now we have SoulSeeds.:)

  17. Helen says:

    I loved this Meg!  What a beautiful way to express something we have all felt.  Big hugs to you! <3